Reader Lonely In Bed writes,

My husband and I are at the breaking point. He lost his job but even before that things were bad. I've been begging him to go to bed at the same time as me for years -- he says he will but never does, ending up with my feelings being hurt every night. He says he loves me and wants us to be together. We have no sex life at all, and he's nicest to me when he wants sex but I feel so disconnected from the years of going to bed alone every night. We've seen three different therapists. Each time he pledges to go to bed at the same time as me and doesn't, and then shuts down when confronted.

He will stay up until 3:00 a.m. I don't go to bed early... usually between 11:00 p.m. and 12:00 a.m. But he will come in at 2:00 and wake me up to have sex (on some occasions. Usually I just go to bed alone and he either stays up half the night or falls asleep in the living room). I've tried explaining that him going to bed together makes me feel very taken care of and that I am much more easily able to feel connected and overlook the small things. He has made endless promises about at least trying. He set an alarm on his phone that says "to save your marriage put this down and go to bed." It's been on there over a year and he dismisses it every night. And dismissed is a good word for how I feel.

I don't know what else to do. Is it worth keeping on trying? It feels like a lost cause. I've tried not to need this connection -- it just pushes me farther away.

You have been doing a great job at communicating your feelings directly, and using "I" statements, and you've tried couples counseling too, so that's pretty much all we can do on your end to facilitate change on his end. However, I think your husband may have his own issues going on here that are making this so difficult.

My first idea is that he may have ADHD. He seems almost physically unable to listen to his alarm that tells him to go upstairs with you. When you throw a huge fit, he listens, and then after time he reverts. This also goes along with ADHD; when there is "drama," their brains turn on, because novelty and excitement are stimulating. So is sex, which is why he asks for that. But overall, when there is no stimulation, people with ADHD cannot function well, and they find it impossible to do less stimulating activities. This is why ADHD kids can hyperfocus on video games and not on homework, frustrating their parents who believe "if he can focus on games, he can focus on homework." But ADHD brains are not wired that way. Ask your husband to be evaluated for ADHD ASAP, and hopefully he can be prescribed medication. Also, read the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. If this helps you, then get into couples counseling again, with him in treatment for his ADHD; it may be a whole new world for you.

Otherwise, there may be something else at play here, like depression. He may be unable to fall asleep due to depression, and is trying to self-medicate by staying awake and doing something that releases dopamine for him, like watching video games or porn, just messing around on the computer, or even drinking, who knows. (What does he do anyway, when he's awake after you? This is very useful information to help us figure out what's going on.) The same psychiatrist that he goes to for the ADHD evaluation you're going to beseech him to get can also assess him for depression.

There are also other possibilities that still don't mean that he doesn't care about you. He may be addicted to whatever he's doing at night (gaming, porn, who knows), he may feel that the only time he gets to himself is at night, or he may know you're disappointed in him, feel that this situation is unfixable, and therefore he may be completely avoiding working on it like avoidant people do.

I can't advise you whether to stay or go, but please try to think about it from this angle. Don't assume he doesn't love you; assume that he loves you but something insurmountable in his brain is preventing him from being there for you in this way. Only with this empathy may you see a new solution or at least be able to recognize that this doesn't mean that you are in any way unworthy or unlovable.

Best of luck, and keep me updated on what happens. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Always Consider Options That Don't Make Your Spouse A Bad Guy.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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